Remembering Nitu

As from today, when I reel back to 3 years ago, I still feel the stab of pain and woe that was so uncontrollable. The wound was so deep that nothing could feel the hole. Merely after couple of years, the throbbing has somehow subsided but with the enduring memories.

It was one of the most heartache moments that I can recall. Looking back, sometime I feel like it was a some kind of surreal dream. I wish it was merely a dream. I feel a stab of pain that go piercing through my heart. It stabs me so hard that I fall tediously on the floor and go to the paroxysm. Few minutes later when I force my eyes open, different color of lights flash and feel that I am in the middle of nowhere . I feel the shortness of breath.

Well, this is the story of one of my good friends who was taken in a very young age, without having had time to say proper goodbyes to her family, friends and loved ones. We often hear from our seniors that god in the heaven is desperately in need of good people, and that is why the good people are snatched away in their young ages. What a shame to say? Why does a god create people for a short time? Why does he take them in a very early age when they have yet to see the whole world and fulfill their dreams and goals?

Nitu was in a secondary school when she moved to Kathmandu and started studying in Amar Adarsh School in Baneshwor with my younger sister. Since we lived only few minutes walk from AAD school, both girls walked school and home together. She was a year senior than my sister. I was in the hostel in the different school. So whenever I came home, I found a new friend through my sister. My sister and Nitu looked more alike, like sister as both girls were chubby, only differentiating appearance was Nitu had longer hair. My sister acted as a friendship bridge between us. My sister, Menu was a talkative and a very lively girl while we both talked very little. In fact, I was a very quiet - type person. Pretty much of our nature, similar age and same class we came to understand each other. As we grew older, we became quite good friends. Together we came to Hong Kong, initially to renew our Hong Kong identity cards but because of the lively hood nature of Hong Kong, we both got stuck into this country.

We both went through many experiences that we never experienced in early teenage hood. Sometime, we hugged tightly and cried wiping each other’s tears and sometime we had fun that we laughed our heads off. Even thou, we had different jobs; in a different outlying islands, even though, we both wore different hats in life, i.e. from changing jobs to relationship we were always there for each other during needed time.

It was bittersweet moment when I revealed her that I was processing to go to Australia for further education. Initially, she was shocked to hear about my departure. But, finally she was thrilled that I was going to become someone. She wished me warm wishes and luck when she said goodbye to me. Although we were miles and miles of distance away, we still kept in touch through letters. I told her that emails were very efficient and cheap manner of communications. Thus, she later learned computer and had an email account when I moved to Hong Kong. But we never got chance to communicate via email. When we wanted to chit chat we were already together. So, there was no use of emails.

Physically describing, she was beautiful, medium height and had fair skin. She was innocent, soft spoken and a true friend. She was the only person that I confided, a very trustworthy friend. I could count on her at any thing and during any time. She was my leaning shoulders.

Everything was fine about her except that she used to be a little unwell from time to time. I did not exactly figure out what her illness was even though she told me many times. These days, I regret for not knowing properly about her illness. Long time ago, when she lived in Dharan she and her classmates went to picnic. While they were merry making, suddenly a large rock fell near by her. She was so frightened that she cried so hard, she shook like a leaf. Since then, she became ill from time to time. In Nepal, while she was taken to hospital for check up nothing was revealed about her condition. The doctor gave her pain killer only as they could not find anything wrong and to prescribe with. Only after getting treatment from the witch-doctor (dhaami) she used to become fine. When I was in Nepal I never saw her when she was very sick as I used to be the boarding house. Whenever I came home and went to visit her she was already fine. Precisely, I never saw her when she was sick and her sickness was anonymous to me and to her family.

As we grew older we both imagined and talked about our life. Sometime we used to be desperate about unknown future and that we had done nothing. Sometime she said to me that she hated working, and that her life was leading her nowhere. She sometime became so disappointed that I did not know how to convince her as we both were on the same boat. During our days off, we would go to Shatin to cycle, sometime Big Buddha and Star Ferry. We both loved going to Star-ferry and watch the Leo, Aquarius cruise and other cruises that came during special occasions. She used to say, “Renu, once we get married, we 4 will travel on a cruise and go to Singapore and Malaysia. We will have fun. You know what; it would be the most adventurous holiday that we would always remember.” I used to laugh when she said that, because we both knew very well that we both had sea-sicknesses and especially making journey on weeks and weeks was somehow out of questions. Then she would say, “Maybe by the time we get married or settle down the nausea of being sea-sickness might vanish.” Then I would only smile without saying a word. These days, when I walk along the harbor with my husband, pointing at the cruise I would say what Nitu had said to me some years ago and our faces would turn solemn.

There were some occasions, when she said about settling down. I told her she could settle down, as she had a boy friend who loved her dearly. For my part, love luck was not really striking hard. Admirers came and walked out of my life. Tragedy would take place whenever I was meaning to take a step further. So, I simply ignored and did not give any serious thought about relationship nor settling down. I was just like have- fun-type girl. She once told me that she would wait until I find a right match. Then I would laugh and say, “Hey, girl, you go ahead. My time is yet to come.”

“I am really serious. Once you meet Mr.-Right, we would marry together and go on honeymooning together to a romantic place on the earth. We would become mummy together and walk our babies. It would be really fun. I can’t wait to see those days.” Then she would get lost into deep thinking which I only took matter lightly.

When I finally met someone, when I vowed to settle down she was gone. She was taken. She did not even happen to meet my soul-mate. Did I do too late in finding him? Or did I make her wait too long? Did I not notice that she would be leaving us very soon? Now when I am about to become a mother and when I walk with my husband holding his hands, Nitu’s words reverberate, “We will become pregnant together and we both will cherish the motherhood. We will buy the babies nappies and other needed materials together. ” My tears fall and my husband quips, “I can’t believe the time has flown but you never leave your past behind. It’s time to move on and make new friends.” I become speechless and keep walking still holding his hands, this time clutching more tightly. But my mind is still wandering off to the past.

It was Friday evening, 12th May 2006. As I stepped outside my office, I called her several times. Finally, her husband answered the call. “Oh god, is she serious? Haven’t you taken her to the hospital?” I asked him in one gulp.

He said, “No, I have done nothing. She has been lying on the bed whole day.”

“Has she been eating?”

“Not much”

“Then, I will come to see her. See you soon!”

Then I hung up the phone. I caught the MTR from Tsim Sha Tsui and headed to Tsuen Wan where she lived. 30 minutes later, I got to her flat. I broke silently into tears when I saw her, who could not even stand or move properly. She had to be carried to the washroom or needed hands to stand up and lie on the bed. She was having an excruciating pain. She looked so tired. She talked very slowly. Her eyes were full of tears when our eyes met. Her husband went to the living room, to let us by ourselves.

“My legs and knees are hurting; it is like some needles are piercing me. My head is also killing me. I have taken many panadols and painkillers but they are not helping me.”

“And you have not been eating anything. You should eat something, dear. Medications will make you weaker without food.”

She was saying in a feeble voice, I have never seen her so sick and weak before. I sensed her suffering and she was struggling hard. Her eyes told me that she was having enough with her sickness. I hugged her and tried to massage her hurting knee, but the massage did not soothe inflammation. She cried with woe. Her husband and I looked in complete shock. We least knew what to do next. Few minutes later, she became a little better. She said to him, “Please go and get something for Renu. You may be hungry after the work.”

I said, “No. I am not eating unless you are eating something. If you will have soup then three of us will eat.”

Then she nodded as an acceptance.

When her husband came back from KFC, Nitu seemed quite fine. Even though she was experiencing an immense pain, inflammation she intended not to show. I could feel the pain she was undergoing. Time to time I changed the topic so that she would forget about her agony condition. I was grieving when she talked about her late mother who passed away when Nitu was only few years old.

“Let’s all go to the living room and have the food.”

She managed to walk quite readily, without our support. We all sat down and had our share. She had 3-4 spoons full of soup and she hesitated to empty the bowl. She complained about being discomfort, we hold her hands and took to rest on the bed. I thought she would sleep but to our disappointment, she was crying so hard, crying with pain and agony. We looked each other in dismay and did not know what to do. The only thing that popped into my head was hospital. I discussed with him if we could call the ambulance and take her to the hospital. When we told Nitu that she needed to be taken to the hospital, as she is in a great need to nursing, she did not like the idea. I think hearing the word “hospital” only made her feel bad. Despite of her disapproval we decided to take her to the hospital. While Nitu being in utter pain, I called 999 and the ambulance arrived few minutes later. It was around 9pm. Inside the ambulance she was weeping bitterly, we could not help her. For us helping her meant taking to the hospital and seeing the doctor immediately. We could do nothing but to take her to the hospital. Even the comforting words were not helping her to soothe her pain.

In the hospital, we waited for the health assistants to call Nitu’s name and help her as soon as possible. There were many patients waiting for their turns. After waiting for 3 hours, finally Nitu was wheeled and taken to the room where we were initially forbidden to go. After regular check up, the nurse escorted me into a cubicle.

Showing me the bruises on Nitu’s legs, she inquired, “Did she have fight with her husband? It seems like she was beaten up.”

My mouth opened with a shock, “No, I don’t think so. These bruises were not there when we were at home. How did this happen? Is something wrong?”

The doctor said, “We need to do her urine check-up” so I helped Nitu with her underwear. Seeing the bruises that have turned into purple color, her husband was in a complete shock. There were purple bruises on her legs. I asked Nitu if the doctor did anything to her. She said, “I told her my legs were hurting and when they lift up my trousers they found these. I was in a complete surprise. Maybe these are the causes of inflammation.”

The doctor approached and said, “Since this case is very unusual, she has to be hospitalized and monitored so that we can go for further treatment. Only by looking we cannot come up to the conclusions. She needs to be admitted to the hospital.” Then the doctor left. Few minutes later, she was dressed up and allocated a bed for her to stay. It was 13th May, 6am when we left her.

As we walked home, I told her husband that he should inform her parents who were in U.K. Later he phoned them and they were all worried. Days passed by, still the doctor had no any findings. They suspected some sort of air-borne disease like SARS, so they isolated her. We were forbidden to go to see her. The only medium was to talk with her on the phone. We reached to the room on the designated time, when I saw her she was covered in blue cloth and mask on her face; it was so hard to talk. I did not know how to begin or what to say. If I assure that she will be fine soon, but when…If I tell her that we will take her home soon, but when…oh god, it was the hardest part. Her eyes moistened when she talked. She said that she hated to be there, she hated the food and she said she was not given enough assistance. Finally she said, “Please take me out of this cage.” I handed the phone to her husband and walked out of the room. God, talking with Nitu was so hard, I could not even look at her eyes directly, and my voice was trembling and instead of being stronger I. was being weaker. Damn, I despised myself for loosing my control. How could I do that? I should be the one to console her but I was only helping her cry.

Time to time we informed her parents what was going on. We hated to tell them that she will be fine soon. But we were not sure about her condition. A week later, we informed her relatives about Nitu’s condition and people came to visit her. There was a long queue waiting for her to see. There were some people who instead of consoling the patient were letting her down. I hated them and the next time they came, her husband and I forbade them from seeing Nitu. We told them the doctors were not letting the visitors. Few days before her departure, the doctor found out that she was suffering from Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE or Lupus - Lupus is an autoimmune disease characterized by acute and chronic inflammation of various tissues of the body. Autoimmune diseases are illnesses that occur when the body's tissues are attacked by its own immune system)

After she was shifted to the ICU, Slowly, her body began to swell; she was on the ventilator, as her own breath was not strong enough to support her. She was in a deep sleep. The doctor said, “You should try to talk to her, even her eyes are closed her brain is working, Because of the medication she is in a deep sleep. She can hear and feel but be discreet.” Every time I saw her, I whisper, “Nitu, you must wake up. We will take you to Nepal. You must be strong and wake up, girl.” Sometime she would flutter her eye lids and that would make me hopeful about her coming back. She could feel me. I was devastated seeing her swelling body. I would discreetly turn my back when I was on the verge of tears.

The doctor asked us if she had any close relatives apart from her husband, the doctor would speak with them about her condition. So, the doctor prepared a letter for the immigration purpose so that her parents could come to see her. Day be day, the doctor informed us that her condition was deteriorating. Then, one day came when the doctor told us that her internal organs were failing slowly. She was very sick and on the verge of death. Few days ago, she wrote in a piece of paper, as she could not talk that was her only way of communication with the nurses. There was a scratch paper where she wrote, “Where is my Jordan sister? Where is my husband” Where is my parents? And many more” My eyes were covered with tears when I read them. We wanted to keep the scratch paper. The paper has been misplaced somewhere. When we asked the nurse later, she said that she did not know. It was her last written message and the channel of communication with the health assistants... It was lost and nowhere to be found. Perhaps it was the last message that she wanted to convey us, to tell us that we would always be on her mind. To let us know that how dear we were even on her death bed she was thinking about us rather than worrying about herself. Perhaps this was the most important message to tell us that how much she would miss us. Now, whenever there is nothing on my mind, or perhaps when I need some friendliness, I recall many people, and she is the one of them. It is sad that at this time all I can do is write down this simple memoir. However, I hope that by doing so, the people who live forever in my heart will also live forever in the hearts of others.

On 29th May 2006 around nine in the morning, I was only on the half way to the hospital, her heart stopped palpitating. I did not know she was gone until I pushed open the hospital door and there on the floor I found him weeping bitterly. Before he could blurt out I sensed that what I fear most had just happened. I sluggishly threw my bag on the floor and walked to the exit stairs. There I eased my burning desire by crying my heart out. I gave a good cry and felt better. Then wiped my tears and stomped to the ICU to give her a last look and hug before she was taken to the mortuary. She looked like someone in a deep sleep. I wanted to touch her for the last time but I feared that I would wake her up from the deep slumber. Somehow, I manage to muster all my courage; I brushed her disheveled hair from her forehead and talking inwardly to myself I left her leaving her all alone.

There are so many lessons we should learn from death. Sometime we take life for granted. Life is too short to stay in delusions. Baba says, “Love all, hate none” Perhaps this is what Baba meant. I hope as her friend I tried doing everything that I could. If anything has lacked from my side, please forgive me.

Often I am left with residue guilt, feeling, “if only I had known about her illness in the beginning.”